…and I feel fine

2012 began with dire predictions concerning the alleged Mayan prophecy of the END OF THE WOOOOOOORLD. Many theories, generally produced in whimsy, have been put forward as to how this terrible cataclysm will take place. Cast an eye over the news recently, however, and it becomes abundantly clear how humanity will fall. In fact, have a look. No, really, have a look:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/chinese-cannibal-attack-caught-on-video-as-drunken-bus-driver-chews-off-womans-face-7903914.html

Yup, that’s right. We are going to experience a genuine zombie apocalypse.

I can speak with some authority on this, having been co-writing the feature Zombie Musical for the last 18 months or so. There are many ‘rules’ screenwriters are expected to follow and these vary greatly depending on your source, but you’ll find wide agreement that any good zombie film will begin with suggestions of the zombie outbreak just before it happens. Y’know, news stories about strange cannibal attacks, disappearances, random acts of violence from lone individuals whom the police find difficult to subdue.

Sort of like, oh I dunno, WHAT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

And you want to hear the really scary bit? If I were writing another zombie feature from scratch (don’t let them scratch you – it’s not as bad as a bite but you’re never sure which exact zombification rules you are dealing with) then I’d be looking for an edge, something fresh and unusual against which to set the outbreak. Like, say, some massive global gathering. A festival, perhaps. Or a sports event. Or a sports event being pitched as a sort of global festival.

Sort of like, oh I dunno,  THE OLYMPICS.

What I’m basically saying is that we’d all better be hoping that the universe isn’t a screenwriter. Because if it is, we’re about to have our faces eaten during the synchronised swimming.

Bet it rains, too.

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